Words of Wisdom
by Promethium
Summary: In order to rescue Dark Ace from a lazy stupor-like thing, Cyclonis and Ravess send letters seeking advice througout Atmos.
1. Chapter 1

"You haven't _bruised _Aerrow for six weeks! You play video games day and night! What is _wrong _with you?!" Cyclonis stamped her foot, frustrated at the unmoved Dark Ace. " Get a move _on!_"

The Talon commander resumed his staring.

Cyclonis, however was in no mood to stare. She slammed the door, cursing under her breath.

She needed to _talk _to someone. No, not an idiot Talon. Snipe was too stupid. Dark Ace was acting like fungus on a log. Ravess, well...

**OOO**

"We need to teach him a _lesson._" Ravess drawled, a slightly manic glint in her eye.

Cyclonis bobbed her head eagerly. This was a good idea.

"Lessons," Ravess continued, a grin spreading across her face. "Lessons on...

"Happiness." Cyclonis said instantly.

"Common sense." Ravess replied, just as quick.

"Life." The master fired back.

"Usefulness."

"Activeness."

"That's it." Ravess smirked, slapping her hand on the table. "We send letters throughout Atmos, asking for--"

"Lessons on life, happiness, common sense and advice on curing stress." Cyclonis said in a singsong voice.

"Oh, yes, my dear," the sharpshooter nodded. "Stress."

They nodded in unison.

It was the perfect plan.

**OOO**

Yes, yes, yes. I know it's short...

Chapter 2 will be posted soon!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The next day, an assortment of kindergartens, squadrons, old ladies and etc. received the following letter:

_Dear Friend,_

_A fellow friend of ours is seeking advice. If you happen to know any unique and special remedies or advice on happiness, life, common sense or stress, please send them in!_

_Thank you,_

_Cyclonis_

"This is officially the worst letter ever." Cyclonis shook her head. "I can't believe you _sent _this to _everyone _in _Atmos_!"

"Just about," Ravess replied smugly. "Didn't want to waste the postage."

"I, mean, Atmos _Elementary_?" Cyclonis spat. "How are little wee _first graders _going to help?"

"Oh, master..." Ravess said airily. "They always are the best." She fanned herself with the papers.

Cyclonis snorted.

Ravess rolled her eyes.

"The replies will be flooding in by Monday."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chap 3**

Indeed, the replies were flooding in (not so literally).

Ravess and her master eagerly tore open the single envelope.

"_Dear Cyclonis,_

_Here is some advice for your friend:_

_Happiness and Stress- Take a large tube of new toothpaste, and squeeze._

_Sincerely," _Ravess finished.

"Sincerely what?" Cyclonis demanded.

"Sincerely bunch of scribbles," Ravess replied. "Who cares? It's good." She flashed a smile.

" Leave this one to me."

**OOO**

Dark Ace blearily stretched and yawned loudly, still half-asleep as he heard a loud pounding on his door. He ignored it.

The pounding grew...

And Ravess burst in, carrying a large tube of...toothpaste?

She grinned widely, tossing him the tube, which he failed to catch.

Then, she gave a little finger wave and left.

Dark Ace groggily picked up the toothpaste, squinting as he read the label. The truth was, he had plenty of toothpaste and this new one wasn't even his favorite whitening kind.

He grumbled inaudibly, heaving himself out of bed.

Shuffling to the bathroom, Dark Ace examined the label more closely. Ravess seemed to have added something to the instructions.

And it said "Squeeze."

**OOO**

Oooh...let's see what he does...


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Once Dark Ace's cackles subsided, Ravess and her master hit high-fives and turned to the three little nuggets of advice that had arrived that day.

"From Terra Wallop," Cyclonis read, obviously delighted. "Lift weights daily, sixty sets every fifteen minutes, two-hundred pounds adding ten each set."

Ravess winced, her muscles sore from simply hearing the...advice.

"Doesn't hurt to try..."

**OOO**

"Eearaghublah..."

Cyclonis tapped her foot, grinding her teeth as she watched her commander...suffer.

Dark Ace panted, dripping in sweat as he added another ten pounds...

Cyclonis covered her eyes.

"Ackkkerglarghhhhh..."

She covered her ears as she prepared herself for the clang...

"Oomph!"

Cyclonis allowed herself a little peephole. Just a peep...

Dark Ace, his face victorious and smug lifted the three hundred pounds effortlessly above his head.

She smiled, thanking the Wallops for the advice.

**OOO**

"Tea time with cupcakes and Mozart," Ravess reported as she read the other two replies.

Cyclonis nodded. So far so good...

**OOO**

Dark Ace raised his eyebrows, hearing classical music from a distance (Ravess, he assumed) and frowned at the small plate of pink cupcakes and tea in front of him.

"Eat up." Cyclonis ordered, adding sugar to her chamomile.

The commander narrowed his eyes as he reached for a cupcake.

His life was certainly changing.

**OOO**

I didn't know if this chapter should have been divided into to two...anyways, the weight-lifting idea is from the ever wonderful **Keeper of Tomes**!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

A/N: This is when the Storm Hawks receive the letter as well as Atmos Elementary. Enjoy!

"CYCLONIA!" Finn shrieked, leaping up on to a chair. His squad quickly assembled behind him, peering at the Cyclonian emblem.

"Impending doom," Stork muttered.

"No, no, no!" Finn exclaimed, wagging his finger. "They want _advice_!"

"Advice?" The rest of the team said in unison.

"For Dark Ace, I bet," Finn said, nodding. "Dude, I bet he hit a midlife crisis."

Aerrow rubbed his hands together craftily.

"We'd better take advantage of this situation..."

**OOO  
**

While the Storm Hawks were busily thinking of horrible ideas, the first grade class received a surprise...

"I want you each to write down something you think could make someone happier," The teacher instructed to the wide-eyed six-year-olds. "Use your best handwriting, and I'll select three random ones to send to Ms. Cyclonis."

The class nodded eagerly and immediately began scribbling with their pencils, smiling and sharing their ideas...

**OOO**

"Oh my, my..." Cyclonis' smile spread so widely, she appeared almost clown-like. "This is a super good one..."

Ravess perked up from her's. "What?"

"He needs a girrrrlllfriend..."

The sharpshooter's mouth formed into a little o of surprise.

Cyclonis flashed her a snarky grin. "You know, I can think of someone just perfect for him..."

Ravess' eyes widened.

"You."

"NO!"

"Puh-leez?"

"NO."

"Cherry on top?"

"NO."

"I'll..."

"Moving on...?"

Cyclonis sighed, letting it slide (such a good idea!) and ripped open the next envelope from Atmos Elementary.

Ravess read it from over her shoulder, deciphering the clean, dark lines.

"Aww..." they both breathed in unison.

He needed a _puppy._

**OOO**

The girlfriend idea was donated by **Keeper of Tomes**, who is still ever-wonderful, and the puppy was from **soldier4Christ **who is amazingly awesome! Yay them!

P.S. There's a poll for the puppy on my profile-- five votes and I'll post the next chapter! (Please?) Now shoo...go vote!


	6. Chapter 6

Dark Ace walked hesitantly toward his master's room. What was happening?

Loud squeals and excited voices came through the closed door, as he rapped on it twice.

The door flew open revealing a jubilant Cyclonis and delighted Ravess. And in between them...

A puppy?

The tiny black Akita whimpered pitifully, pawing at the magenta ribbon tied on top of her head.

Cyclonis and Ravess melted.

"Awww..."

Dark Ace raised one eyebrow as the puppy delicately padded towards his boots. She sniffed curiously and whimpered again.

He had to admit, she _was _adorable.

"You should name her _Fluffy!_" Ravess beamed.

"Or _Mary_!" Cyclonis said,

Dark Ace frowned. Fluffly and Mary were not suitable for the future companion of the Dark Ace. Something much more manly...

No. The puppy was a girl. Girl names were not manly...

Mildred? Gretchen? Josephine? Georgette?

And then it clicked.

The Dark Ace's new wingman would be Crystal.

**OOO**

"_Crystal_?" Snipe snorted as Dark Ace shared the news. "What kind of name is that?"

"A good name," Dark Ace replied indignantly.

"You should have named her Mustard or somethin'." Snipe said thoughfully. "Muffins or Hamburger would have been more suitable."

The Dark Ace scoffed. "You, Snipe, are the only one in Atmos that would name a dog _Hamburger._" He rolled his eyes. This guy needed some serious help.

****

OOO

A/N: The poll I made wasn't exactly a good one (Hey, it was my first!) so at the end I just randomly selected one and the puppy was an Akita! (Also, someone wanted a black lab, so I just made the Akita black)


	7. Chapter 7

****

Chapter 8

Crystal quickly grew into a large black dog that excelled at running around and barking at Cyclonis, who quickly learned to be scared.

"She's growing up," the master sniffled as she watched the dog chase the Dark Ace.

Ravess rolled her eyes once again.

"There are still two more letters, Master. Should I open them?"

The Master blew her nose loudly and nodded, turning to the remaining two envelopes, one which bore a Storm Hawks emblem. Her eyes widened.

"You sent a letter to the _Storm Hawks?_"

Ravess nodded, busy opening the other letter.

It was Cyclonis' turn to roll her eyes. The _Storm Hawks?_

"Eggplants are good," Ravess read. "It must be from Atmos Elementary."

"Then go get an eggplant!" the master snapped. "Big, shiny, and purple is good, right?"

The sharpshooter swallowed. And left.

****

OOO

Dark Ace was just about to throw the Frisbee when Ravess approached him, detouring around Crystal carrying something big, shiny and purple that resembled an overweight guinea pig.

Ravess grinned cheesily, handing him the large, purple thing.

"Eggplant," she said simply before skipping off to her skimmer.

His squinted at the eggplant, wondering if it would explode if he threw it...

****

OOO

"Now, the Storm Hawks," Ravess announced, ripping open the envelope witha flamboyant gesture.

Cyclonis snatched it from her hand.

In a neat print that had to be Piper's, it said:

****

Throwing things, especially at people, is good for you.

Ravess sighed, "Ridiculous."

Cyclonis shrugged. "It does make me feel better."

"What?"

"Throwing things."

Ravess gulped again. And took a step...backwards.


	8. Chapter 8

Dark Ace took a deep breath, pondering Cyclonis' advice as he double checked his skimmer. He hadn't battled Aerrow for four months now...

Crystal padded over lightly, slightly squishing the enormous eggplant as she carefully lay it at his feet. She seemed to have gotten attached to the vegetable... he tossed it into the skimmer. It would only add a few pounds, and make his wingman happy.

As he took flight, Ravess and Cyclonis waved from a balcony, smirking slightly.

What were they up to now?

****

OOO

"It's da DARK ACE!" Finn hollered, looking out the window as the rest of the squadron emerged from their current places and assembled.

"My will..." Stork muttered fervently as he scribbled rapidly on a scrap of paper. "Bunny slippers to Aerrow, Anti-mindworm supply to Piper, Merb cabbage to Finn, A--"

"I don't want the _Merb cabbage!_" Finn complained. "Gimme your CD collection instead!"

"Cut it out!" snapped Piper, as she pointed out the battle strategies to Aerrow.

Meanwhile, the Dark Ace was slowly approaching...

****

OOO

He smirked as he heard the squabbling many meters away. He would not lose this one...

Crystal yapped excitedly as they slowly approached the _Condor_...

__

Vrooooooooommmmmm...

It was Aerrow. He really needed to update his skimmer. It was so loud and slow...

Crystal pawed at her eggplant impatiently, and Dark Ace waited for Aerrow to come a bit closer...

****

OOO

Aerrow squinted at the black lump beside the Dark Ace as Radarr sniffed the air suspiciously.

Did Dark Ace get a _wingman?_

No, no, no...

Radarr nodded.

Aerrow shook his head.

Radarr nodded.

The lump moved.

Aerrow shook his head...

**OOO**

"It's a DOG!" Finn announced tossing the peepers back to Stork.

"_Dog?_" Junko exclaimed. "Is he cute?"

Stork winced. "Fleas, worms, ticks, or worse..._dogitis!_"

Piper shrugged. "The dog probably won't do much, look at him! Sleeping!"

****

OOO

Much to his chagrin, Crystal had fallen asleep, and the Dark Ace did not have the heart to wake her.

He would just have to do without.

Slowly, the rest of the Storm Hawks appeared and the fight began.


	9. Chapter 9

The fight was still going on, Aerrow the only one still left.

Panting, Dark Ace did another corkscrew, amazed that Crystal was still sleeping. Was she dead or what?

He had to wake her, really.

Aerrow was circling around him now, and he had to do something. Now.

The eggplant rolled out from under Crystal. Big, shiny and purple. The movement woke the Akita, who whimpered pitifully, pawing at the vegetable.

Aerrow was now facing him, about to...

Dark Ace picked up the eggplant.

Aerrow was coming closer...

And...

__

SPLAT!

Millions of seeds flew into the air, creating fireworks of some sort as the remains of purple drifted down to the wastelands. Yellow-gray mush splattered at the desired target--Aerrow.

He spat out the seeds, giving the Dark Ace a dark look through his veil of slime before returning to the _Condor._****

OOO

The rest of the Storm Hawks witnessed the little scene through Stork's peepers.

"Ugh," Finn shuddered as he saw the explosion of eggplant.

Stork winced. "The bacteria! The germs! The creepy, crawly _Veggie Viruses_!"

"I thought it was pretty," Junko said, disappointed by everyone else's reactions.

Piper just sighed loudly, hoping Aerrow wouldn't take his first defeat badly...


	10. Chapter 10

Cyclonis lounged lazily in a chair as Ravess replayed the video Dark Ace had filmed of Aerrow raging about his defeat. She giggled again.

Dark Ace was back to normal, and everything was fine.

Ravess yawned, smiling a lazy smile that rivaled her master's.

"So..." the sharpshooter drawled. "What should we do now? Make Snipe going on a diet?" Her eyes brightened.

Cyclonis blinked. "Nice idea, but I have to promote you first."

Ravess gasped. A _promotion_?

Cyclonis fished a lemon out of her her drink, nibbling it daintily with her front teeth.

"You're Dark Ace's next girlfriend."

The sharpshooter's nostrils flared to an incredible size.

"NO!"

"I _command _you to be."

"NEVER!"

****

OOO

Outside, Dark Ace and Snipe were watching Crystal chase her tail.

"Cows are better." Snipe said gruffly, glaring at the Dark Ace.

The commander coughed. "Dead, or alive?"

Snipe was caught off guard.

"...both?" He giggled uncertainly. "The live ones are kinda cute, but the dead ones taste yummy..."

Dark Ace's reply was blocked out by a crazed string of negatives somewhere inside.

"No, NO, no, NO! Never! I won't! Don't make me! _PLEASE_!!"

Then...

"You know you like him Ravess, you know it--"

And...

"No! I don't! Please, no! Don't! NO!"

Dark Ace and Snipe looked at each other curiously.

"Now Ravess--"

"_I don't wanna be Dark Ace's girlfriend!" _Ravess wailed in a whiny voice.

Dark Ace gasped. Ravess? His girlfriend? No...He shot a glare at Snipe who was giggling in a very unmanly way.

He swallowed and marched off to his room. Maybe a few hours of video games would help clear things up...

**OOO**

**It's over! Yay! That was fun. Maybe I should do a sequel...**


End file.
